Poetry

Why I Smile

 

Should it have taken the truth before I got you to listen?
Or must I bleed out before you notice I’m missing?
Yes, I told you lies, but the truth I couldn’t face.
Should I mention death for you to finally see, or leave without a trace?

I closed off my heart to not only you but to myself.
At times I didn’t even know the pain that I held.
If it were possible I would choose to forget,
but it’s not possible and I can’t live a life of regret

My nights grew to mornings and my mornings changed to night.
Grays turned to black and colors quickly faded to white.
Laughter fell flat while my screams gained voices.
I never knew a breaking heart made noises.

Death had always just been an idea.
Until that night, death had never felt so real.
My nights are becoming hazy and I’m forgetting how to feel.
Maybe I’m crazy, but I won’t take the pills!

Rain has been pouring but there are no clouds.
The sun still shines while thunder shakes my house.
Quick as lightning pain floods through my eyes.
At least I know if I smile you won’t see my battle cries.

NO! Don’t look at me! I can’t take it.
You shouldn’t have to see a mask or hear me fake it.
I’ve lived in shame. I’ve lived in fear.
I’ve lived a life with the reaper near.

Of course I said nothing. What would you have said
if I told you I felt I’m better off dead?
Would you sympathize? Would you tell me it gets better?
It’s useless. Your words would burn as easily as those on a letter

I’ve faced my own demons as I’m sure so have you.
You have your own struggles, you don’t need mine too.
So, alone, I will fight this invisible war.
Alone, I will cry, behind this locked door.

All I ever wanted to be was happy
but all I ever felt I could be was petty.
I wanted to be the best I could be
but every time that I tried I fell short of my dreams.

So…
I was listening to music…
I was drinking a few…
I don’t know what I was thinking…
but I needed to…

I wielded the most crucial moment of my life
the very second I grasped the blade of that knife.
“goodbye”…That’s what I wanted to say.
I was ready to give up the light of day

“Please! I don’t want to breathe!!!”
Just tell me what you’re thinking, do you finally see?
I’m on the edge! I’m crouching beside the cliff of my demise!
And still all you see is the mask I sculpted from all my lies.

I wanted your hand… but I was too scared to reach.
I’m out of words and have no speech
to explain the way I feel or give you any reasons
for why my mind has been gone for all these seasons.

…You wouldn’t understand…
until I jump and break every bone as I land.
Don’t believe me? Then I’ll say it now.
I’ll tell you the way I feel, why and how.

In the blink of an eye, life can end.
We all know this truth, but all pretend
we can live forever. But I know I don’t
and sometimes I wish that I won’t.

I’ve cried myself to sleep. So many nights I’ve dreamt of red.
Everything and Everyone screamed and laughed as they circled my head
I wanted to move on and forget my past
but the anger and hatred I felt was too vast.

I wanted to be strong and stand my ground
My pride was a shelter I lived in that only brought me down
As I ran I relied on others, I tried to prove my worth
but I was only a burden, I became a parasite on this earth.

The very thing I was running from was two steps ahead.
I looked for help, then they’d say “It’s all just in your head.”
“It’s not as big as you think.” That’s what they thought,
but they didn’t know just how big of a knife I sought.

If I could I would relinquish everything that I did.
I would swallow my pain and reveal everything I hid
but it’s not as easy as you think,
that’s why I started to drink…

I never reached for that hand…
I let myself fall, and felt my body shatter with the land
I laid there till I felt nothing, no pain and no sorrow
I froze myself in the past with no sense of tomorrow.

You never know how strong you are until you survive
and you never know who you really are till you stop listening to lies
what if I told you “you’re going to make it out alive”?
If you knew what your future holds, would you still want to die?

I never saw my future; I never saw what I could be.
I only saw my past, and what I wished it could be
The mirror is a cage of moments quickly fleeting
and pictures are your past, gone, and always retreating.

You won’t find yourself in the reflection of a glass
and when you think you hurt the most, it surely will pass.
Looking back now I can clearly see where I was wrong.
I did not die and from that I’ve become strong

Who I was before I will never be again
and I am proud I made the choices I did back then
though, the ghost lingers to this day, calling me back into the shadows,
there are angels who remind me that life isn’t only full of sorrow

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